Trying to fit in

I am trying to find solace in a place of mental anguish. I have become friends with other PTSD sufferers but still I don't seem to fit in. Maybe it is of my own making, though. I have heard stories of heroism that you will not see on network news. Soldiers that have come back from fighting a war that they believe in. I, too, believe. The traumatic brain injuries, the loss of limbs, the loss of innocence. They are all hero's to me. The camaraderie they share with each other is beyond any alliance I have witnessed. Yes, I, too, am a veteran. I served my country during a time of peace and I still feel I am intruding into a secret society that I don't belong. Combat Veterans. Young men barely out of high school with the eyes of men twice their age. They have seen more than a man of any age. To be thrust into combat with training that will never prepare a soldier for what is to come, what they will witness, what they will lose but, most importantly, what they will gain. The respect of other veterans that have not been, or seen, what they have seen. Have not felt what they have felt. Have not lost what they have lost. Have not sacrificed what they have sacrificed. I am with them, yet, apart from them. They have my respect regardless of their ages. I thank you all. theblogmeister

THE HORROR

I seem to be reliving the horror more than I have in the past. Mirtazapine, the drug that I am currently taking for my PTSD, is not FDA approved. I guess that is why the veteran suffering from post traumatic stress disorder is probably taking the same thing. It seems the government likes to use us as human guinea pigs. I recall that the Col., that has been haunting me for the past three decades, was also used as a guinea pig. He would be given a drug that had not been approved by the food and drug administration on several occasions. At one point the Col. got better. Be reminded that he was suffering from terminal cancer with no hope of complete recovery. This was a small glint of false hope that he endured. His wife had a tougher time, at least as bad, than he did. They did get to enjoy a small level of normalcy, however. Is it worth it? I can't answer that. What I can attest to is the Col. was usually in extreme pain. I hurt for him, too. That was the driving force behind my decision to help him end it. I had no idea that my twenty year old mind would have such a devastating reaction to what I had caused. I am working on ways to cope with the emotional torment my actions on that warm day in Ft. Walton Beach, Fl. had caused. If, if, if only........ theblogmeister

PTSD is for real

Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. I am in an inpatient VA hospital and our computer room has been locked down due to the fact that someone likes to download porn, which is against the rules. Some people won't do right. Well, I have been taking the Mirtazapine for 3 weeks and it seems to enhance my nightmares. I have told my psychiatrist about this and he suggested a little more time for it to get in my system good and get back with him. It really seems to enhance my nightmares, making them a lot more vivid. I am still being haunted by the Col. and he has been chasing me with a syringe. I can control my conscious mind but when I sleep the demons take control. I wake up soaking wet from sweating and I am having sensory hallucinations. I can smell the way the Col.'s room smelled the day that I killed him. The staff at the VA wants me to change the way I talk about it, for example, saying instead that I granted his last wish and stuff like that. I have been trying for 29 years to change my conscious thoughts so my subconscious thoughts will follow. It hasn't worked. I don't think that I will ever have peace. Sometimes I want to just say the hell with it and do to myself what I did to him. Pray for me. Thanks, theblogmeister. At least I haven't went back to alcohol or drugs for relief, yet. Thanks, again

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Someone read my doper tales and suggested that I seek medical advice. I may be suffering from PTSD. Well, I did. And, I am. It's true. I am currently being treated for PTSD at a 90 day in-patient facility at the Tuscaloosa VA Medical Center in Tuscaloosa, Al. I am learning that I did not have to be in combat to suffer from this affliction that usually hits combat veterans. Hey, I am not too old to learn. As my treatment continues, I will share it with you. As of now, I am just starting, my first week, so I don't have a lot to tell you , at this time. If you want to learn more about PTSD, keep checking back and I will fill you in as often as I am able. Thanks to the reader that started this new chapter in my life. Thank you very much. theblogmeister