The Aftermath

  The phone was ringing when I walked into my apartment. It was the hospital asking if I would come back to the hospital. They would not tell me why, I already knew. I am sure the staff was worried about me , that is the reason that there was no mention of the colonel's death. I got into my car, sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out if I could go back there without tipping anyone off. I did not want to bring suspicion upon myself. I drove slowly back to the hospital going over the last couple hours in my mind. I began doubting that I had done the right thing. How could I let a terminal cancer patient talk me into killing him. I don't care how you spin it, it still boils down to one simple fact; I had committed murder. All of my dreams since childhood had been thrown out the window. For what? Boy, I really fucked up, this time.
  As soon as I stepped off the elevator I could feel it. Death was all around. I started walking toward the colonel's room, not even stopping at the nurses station. I could feel their gaze upon me. I could hear the soft sounds of several crying. I looked up and saw Bunny and she almost ran into my arms. We both cried and held each other. To know the reason of her pain was my fault and it was almost too much to bear. She broke our embrace and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "He loved you like a son and so do I." I could not speak. My knees buckled and some staff were there to catch me. All I could do was cry. It was the most I have cried until the death of my mother in 2008. I was helped to a chair and Bunny was sitting right there beside me. The next statement caught me completely off guard. "I just want to say thanks. Thanks for all you have done. There is no one else that would have the courage that you have shown." That blew me away. Did the colonel tell Bunny of my plan? I was so confused I did not respond. Bunny opened my hand and placed an envelope in it, kissed me on the chick, and said that she would see me, soon.
  I do not remember how long I sat in that chair. I was in a total daze. Nancy had came back to the hospital, too. I heard her voice from what seemed a long way off. She was asking me if I wanted to go to her place. She did not think I should be left alone. Any other time I would have jumped at the offer. This time was different. I told her that I would be alright. I had the next 4 days off and I was going home. She made sure I was alright and then left. The staff came by, one by one, and hugged my neck and said how sorry they were about what had happened. Time would heal the pain. Little did they know that time would almost kill me. The only person that did not speak to me was Col. Potter, the very one that refused to reassign me to another patient. I often wondered why she avoided me but I already knew the answer.   theblogmeister

It Was Time

  I had finished my pre-op work on my patients that were having surgery that day. I had the medication that I needed to put the colonel out of his misery and out of this life. I will tell you how I had gotten the meds that I needed. My floor was located on the same floor as the operating rooms. I had a good knowledge of the layout of the OR because of my many visits to see a variety of surgeries. The night before I told Nancy that I was going down to the dining hall to grab a bite to eat. Instead, I went through the locker rooms where surgeons change into scrubs. The locker room was locked from the inside by a small outside of the door bolt. Wearing gloves, I grabbed the handle and gave it a quick pull and the bolt came right off. I reattached the bolt and made me way into the OR. I had to be especially quiet because the ICU was right next to the OR. I made my way to the crash carts that contained some of the meds I needed. The morphine, however, was a little harder to obtain. I found a metal box hanging in the anesthesia's office. I had a pen light light in my mouth so I could see what I was doing. I noticed a clipboard hanging below the bow and found it to be a narcotic sign out sheet. I took my screwdriver and wedged it in between the crack of the metal door and gave it a quick pop. There before me was another metal door and I knew, without a doubt, that narcotics were behind the second door. I opened it and found a drug addicts dream, although I was not a drug addict but it had what I needed. I got a 30cc vial of morphine and had already gotten the sodium chloride from the crash cart. I made my way back out the locker room and replaced the bolt to the door. There was no sign of forced entry, so, I felt I would not be caught for stealing the drugs from the OR. When the news broke, I could not replace the two metal doors that I had ripped open, all hell broke loose. More about that, later.
  The time was here. At 7am, while first shift was getting report from night shift. I entered the colonel's room. H was awake and looking at me trying to read my body actions or anything else that would tell him if I was to carry out his plan. With an aching heart I slowly administered a massive amount of morphine sulphate. He watched me until his eyes closed. Shaking, I inserted the large syringe that contained the sodium chloride. I immediately walked out of his room. Before I left, I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead and told him that I loved him As soon as I left his room I immediately took a left into the stairwell and walked down two flights and out to my car. I had done it. I had went against everything I believed in my morals and medicine. The totality hit me like a freight train. What have I done. God will surely punish me for taking the life of another man. Nothing could prepare me for what lay ahead. The unspeakable horrors that awaited me were never considered and my life would never be the same, again.   theblogmeister

Persistance Pays Off

  The next week the Col. kept trying to convince me that the best thing to do was to end his life. He was not about to commit suicide, his plan involved me putting an end to his pain. He had made peace and he was ready. The problem was that I was not. I went to my boss and told her that she was right, that I was too emotionally involved with my patient. The same argument that she gave me a month ago I was now giving her. The colonel had already gotten to my boss and told her that he would not allow another tech to attend to him. He had built a bond with me and that was final. The colonel outranked my boss and even though he was retired the chain of command was still strong. I'm not even 20 and she decides that I could handle his death, emotionally. The truth was she did not want to deny a full bird colonel his wishes, without regard to how I would deal with his death. As I stated before, the colonel was a shrewed and manipulative man. I did not have a chance. I would lay in bed at night wondering how I would handle taking the life of someone I had grown to love and respect. The actual killing him would be easy. The aftermath of that act is what worried me. I could not convince the colonel to let nature take its course. He was, indeed, in a tremendous amount of pain. It was hard seeing him, day after day, losing the light in his blue eyes. My love for him won out. I could not stand to see him suffer everyday. I had to work nights from 11pm to 7am. I came into work and told him that I would do it. Against everything I believed, He had won. All he said when I told him was "when." Not thank you, no emotion, just when will I do it. I had worked 6 nights in a row with one more to go and I would be off 4 days in a row. I told him that I would do it tomorrow night towards the end of my shift. That would give me time to steal the meds I needed to do the job. It would also give him a full day to spend with Bunny. It would be the last day he spent with a woman that he had been married to for fifty years. I stopped by his room the morning before "The" day and told him I would see him that night. I also hugged Bunny and told her to have a good day with him. I almost broke down because I knew that this time tomorrow her life would be turned upside down. It would be all because of me.  theblogmeister