It Is 4am and I am Still Here

  What the hell are you doing up at this hour? Well, thanks to my good friend, " The Demon," I will not get much needed sleep. I did sleep for a couple hours and am grateful for that. I do not want to sound like a complainer. My readers may think that way. The fact of the matter is I want my readers to try and see life through my eyes. I am also grateful that I did not have a terrible dream that jolted me out of my bed, per usual. I have some days, although with sleep lacking, that I do rather well. Those days are becoming less, unfortunately. I did relive my traumatic experience once again. This time the Col. must have been under a tight schedule because he spent little time with me. One little victory! I really am exhausted, though. I will try, through prayer and reading my bible, to find the strength I need to make it through another day. later    theblogmeister

PAIN

What is pain to you? Physical? Psychological? Emotional? If you are lucky you may experience pain in a way that is easily dealt with. Got a splinter? Dig it out. Cut yourself shaving? Antibiotic ointment. Bump your head? A little bit of ice. Can you imagine a pain that is so intense that it rules your life? You try to sleep but to no avail. The torment continues even while you finally get some sleep. You wake up and pain is the first sense that hits you. All consuming. The little things that bring joy to most is hell to me.PTSD. Pain That Surpasses all thought of happiness. The last time I was completely without pain of any type was November 11, 1978. At that time I had the world at my fingertips. I had hopes of becoming a medical doctor able to heal the sick. Able to give others hope.Confident, to a point, that I would full fill the dream I had of being a doctor. Less than 24 hours my life was ruined. There was no taking back what I had done. I remember that exact moment when life went from hopeful to hopeless. I have asked myself thousands of times," Why?" I had no idea the impact of that one decision. I had grappled with that decision for weeks before I acted on it. It only took 2 or 3 minutes and the results were catastrophic.I had created a demon I could not control. It was November 12, 1978. The demon has haunted me, laughed at me, made me question my sanity. It has no name. Over 30 years later the demon still haunts me. Mostly in my sleep. I have seen countless doctors since I revealed this demon. I have been on many different meds to tame Him. Sometimes I think the only way to rid Him is to rid His host. I am angry for letting others put me in a position to give Him life. One person could have saved me from living in fear of Him but she chose the easy way out not caring that my life would be ruined. I will see Him, again. Tonight. I know that terror awaits. That, my friend, is PAIN. theblogmeister

Dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I have been dealing with PTSD for over 25 years. The first 20+ years I used alcohol and drugs to deal with the symptoms of this disorder. This came with some serious ramifications. I spent nearly half those years in prison. Not the psychological prison but the physical one. Various drug convictions got my ass put behind bars, locked away from society. That was, by far, a lot easier than the prison I created in my mind. Some of you may wonder why I can't destroy it since I created it. I have asked myself the same question time after time. My mind has created such a monster that has power beyond belief. I have been encouraged to talk about my PTSD by the mental health professionals, thus the reason behind this journal. If you are a new reader to my blog I will give you a quick summation of my PTSD. I was a 20 year-old medic in the military with a terminal cancer patient that convinced me to help him commit suicide. That is it. I killed a man against all morals and values that I was taught as a child. If you want the whole story you can click on archives and read it all. My brain, as yet fully developed, would not let me forget that day and I have been haunted by this man since 1979. Only as recent as 5 years ago did I tell anyone of this trauma. I am currently in an inpatient treatment center designed specifically for PTSD sufferers. I am on medication to alleviate the nightmares associated with PTSD. Is it working? No. Is there hope? Hope is all I have to hold onto. theblogmeister