Memorial Day

Memorial day means a lot to people who want to thank those in the Military for going above and beyond what is asked of them. It also is a time for remembering those that have served and died to protect our freedom. Admirable. To me it is a time of reflection of great pain. Not because I was wounded in battle. I was wounded. However, it was during peace time. Our world was not at war, but I was at war with the demons that I created while stationed at Eglin AFB, Florida. Those demons are still with me. Haunting me in my dreams. For many years I battled with the Demon and the only ammunition I had was drugs. I found that the only way to defeat the Demon was to abuse narcotics. I learned to self-medicate myself to ward off the Demon. The abuse of the narcotics robbed me of a life. I have to say if not for the drugs I would have surely committed suicide. For over 25 years I found the drugs were the only thing that worked. The Demon came to me in my sleep. It was pure terror. I had no other way to combat the Demon. It came with a heavy cost. I lost my wife, a relationship with my kids, alienation from those who cared. I pushed them all away. I am not going to repeat why this all began. You can look back and read older post and find the name of the demon and the circumstances surrounding it. I just wanted to say that my Memorial day is unique and brings back terrifying memories. It's not over. I wish it was. God help me. theblogmeister

Apologies And Prayer

I want to apologize to those that suggested I write a book. It is important for me to keep this journal and to try to hang on to my sanity. In reality, I use a lot of humor as a defense mechanism so I don't have to talk about the seriousness of my sickness. Some of the stories in this journal sound like a screenplay for a horror flick but every word written is true. My nightmares are getting much worse. It happens when I go for long stretches without writing about my experiences in this journal. My fear is that one day, no matter how many times I post, the nightmares will worsen. Then what will I do? I can't medicate myself into stupor. Soon, the pills won't work, anymore. My psychiatrist has already doubled my mertazapine, the meds I take for the PTSD. I was given an appointment at the VA clinic for next tues.(In Gadsden). My psych doc wants to keep seeing me in B'ham every 90 days. I hope I find another vet that is suffering from PTSD here in Gadsden and won't be afraid to talk. I really don't know how much longer I can hold on. Stress makes all my symptoms worsen. My ex-wife is getting half my disability check and I just found out that she is getting my $250.00 recovery check that I was really depending on. It doesn't matter that she and her husband both make real good money and my wife has fibromyalgia and has not worked since Dec. '06 and was denied her ss disability. I have filed for service-connected disability and individual unemployability. If I am denied that we will be homeless. Say a prayer. thanks, theblogmeister

Am I Crazy?

Hell, yes. If you have read my postings you would come to the same conclusion. How long have I been crazy? Since Nov.,18,1980. That is the day I killed a dear friend of mine. He was a USAF Full Bird Colonel, Ret. Nowadays it is called euthanasia. In 1980 it was called murder. Some states still consider it murder. Doctors are able to get away with it with the family's permission.Pull the plug, DNR, it comes in many forms. In 1980, I was a 19 y.o. medic that was convinced by a terminal cancer patient by the name of Renold DeBarge,Col.,Ret. to end his suffering. I did. That is where mine began. For the next 29 years He has tortured me in my dreams. He is not letting up,either.I became a drug addict because narcotics was the only thing I found that would quiet my demon.That is exactly what He is,my Demon.He comes to me at night when I have no control of my conscious mind.He is relentless.He can't be stopped.There is one way.Destroy where He resides.I am almost at the breaking point. I do not know how much I can take. theblogmeister

Stephen King I am not

Someone sent me an email and suggested that I start writing horror books. Do you think that I am making this shit up? Don't you realize that I am one sick fuck. To suggest that I make a game out of this all is beyond callous. It borderlines on criminal. How would you, sir, feel if I actually blew my brains out? Make sure you get it on video, right? The only fucking reason I write at all is to keep from eating lead. I don't care if anyone reads my blog. Then I find out this moron wants to read the shit in a book. Yea, I am pissed. I guess I shouldn't. I am writing on a public forum with who knows how many readers. I will keep on. Not for you,sir, for me. Thanks, I think, theblogmeister

Suicide is painless

It brings on many changes and I could take it or leave it if I please.I am , once again, staring into the emotional abyss. The place that solves all problems.Answers don't matter. Therefore, no questions. No dull, monotonous drummings of life. Don't have to listen to my heartbeat thumping in between my ears. I called it an abyss, however, I think it may be a black hole this time. There is more of an energy than I remember. It is hard to look away from the dark. No, there is no light escaping this. I wonder how it would feel to take a step off the edge and into the unknown. Truthfully, that is my barricade keeping me from punching my last ticket. Fear of the unknown. It is not like someone telling you the end of a horror film. This is going to a place that you would be hard pressed to find anyone with the slimmest idea of what lurks around the next corner. If there is a corner. Very intimidating. If it were easy everyone would do it. "My wife cheated on me." Click, BOOM!I am just talking shit. As much hell that I have put myself through. The nightmares, the self medicating, all pales in comparison to the pain of death, of my existence being over. No, I am a coward. Sometimes I wish that I had the courage to end all this. Is that courageous? Who sets the standards of wellness, anyway? What is the control group and who decides that which we measure as esteem?I wanted to get lead poisoning when I started this letter. Now, I have talked myself out of it. Courageous or cowardly. Ask the guy in the lab coat holding the lab rat. Maybe later theblogmeister

PAIN

What is pain to you? Physical? Psychological? Emotional? If you are lucky you may experience pain in a way that is easily dealt with. Got a splinter? Dig it out. Cut yourself shaving? Antibiotic ointment. Bump your head? A little bit of ice. Can you imagine a pain that is so intense that it rules your life? You try to sleep but to no avail. The torment continues even while you finally get some sleep. You wake up and pain is the first sense that hits you. All consuming. The little things that bring joy to most is hell to me.PTSD. Pain That Surpasses all thought of happiness. The last time I was completely without pain of any type was November 11, 1978. At that time I had the world at my fingertips. I had hopes of becoming a medical doctor able to heal the sick. Able to give others hope.Confident, to a point, that I would full fill the dream I had of being a doctor. Less than 24 hours my life was ruined. There was no taking back what I had done. I remember that exact moment when life went from hopeful to hopeless. I have asked myself thousands of times," Why?" I had no idea the impact of that one decision. I had grappled with that decision for weeks before I acted on it. It only took 2 or 3 minutes and the results were catastrophic.I had created a demon I could not control. It was November 12, 1978. The demon has haunted me, laughed at me, made me question my sanity. It has no name. Over 30 years later the demon still haunts me. Mostly in my sleep. I have seen countless doctors since I revealed this demon. I have been on many different meds to tame Him. Sometimes I think the only way to rid Him is to rid His host. I am angry for letting others put me in a position to give Him life. One person could have saved me from living in fear of Him but she chose the easy way out not caring that my life would be ruined. I will see Him, again. Tonight. I know that terror awaits. That, my friend, is PAIN. theblogmeister

I Don't know where I'm gonna Go When The Volcano Blows

Mr. Utley. Those were the days. Before the Col. entered my life. Sun, fun, Coronas, and Jimmy Buffett. With a baby doll in my lap sitting by the fire. Back then the Air Force owned the beach from Wayside Park all the way to the Destin bridge. I have not been to Ft. Walton since but I here that that particular area is high rise condos on both sides of highway 98. So sad. I often reflect on where I would be if I had never killed the Col. I have a good idea. My best friend,back then,and I wanted the same thing out of life. Now, Henry has a successful practice in medicine. Yep, those 2 letters behind his name,M.D. I, too, was as gifted in medicine as he. I miss the interaction I had with my patients. I was the best at starting I.V.'s and setting up traction equipment. Today, traction is almost extinct. We have external fixators, now. Cool. That one decision to give a patient what he wanted changed my life, forever.Did I do what was right? Ethical? He begged me to end his suffering. And, I did. That is where my suffering began. On a highway to Hell. Feeling sorry for myself, Blah, Blah, Blah. I have heard it all before. Let me stay awake for eternity. I'll have no worries. Later theblogmeister

The surgeon

They rolled me into the room you go to get ready for surgery. I said goodbye to my beautiful wife and felt her warm lips caress my cold cheek.I was having a spinal fusion done on ,L2,L3,L4,L5,S1. I had it done in 2006 but after 4 months I had a titanium screw break and the bone grafts did not take, so, they went in and took out
71/2 titanium screws, 2 titanium rods and told me I would be okay.What do you think?
Right. I developed a bad case of spondylolisthesis. Big word, huh? Basically what it is the L5 vertebrae has fallen down to the point of disbelief. Surgery will correct the problem. I had heard that before. I was filling the effects of the versed they gave me. I always ask what they put in my IV. I was becoming a little anxious of being put to sleep because sleep is my enemy. It is where the Col. lurks waiting for me.The anesthesiologist came in and told me to open my mouth and I did. No problem tubing me. I wanted to tell the guy that I needed to be strapped to my gurney because of my entering the world where I have no control. The dark. It is his world and not mine. The versed was kicking in more than I had remembered last time and I was slowly falling into the dark. I could not get a word out and my heart began to beat faster. I wanted to let the doctors know of my demon but I couldn't. I was in His World now. The dark enveloped me as a friend. I knew what was coming and it would be my Enemy not my friend. I could not fight it off. I was there. The Dark. theblogmeister

FEAR

Have you really experienced real fear? Let me go a bit further. Terror. Do you know what it is like to have to live with real terror? When every cell in your body comes alive Your body is dumping massive amounts of adrenaline, the brain starts pumping massive amounts of dopamine and serotonin. Your respiratory system starts to shut down and you can't breathe no matter how much you try. The brain send signals to every part of your parasympathetic nervous system telling two things. Flight or fright. That is what I have been dealing with for the past 29 years. That is the reason I spent 15 of those 29 years in state prison. The reason for going to prison? Drugs was the only thing I found to deal with my demon. The use of narcotics was the only thing that quieted my demon. What about being in prison, how did you get narcotics? There is more drugs in prison than on the streets. My demon has a name. His name is Col Renold DeBarge. I had a visit from him last night. My wife, as she has done so many times the last 5 years pulled me away from him. I was in his clutches and it was pure and absolute terror. My dreams are my enemy. The daylight is my friend. I dread it when the sun begins to set. A beautiful sunset to others is fear for me. Can you grasp the enormity of that last statement? The darkness is my fear.I fear the darkness. I fear the night. I fear my own sanity. That is terror! theblogmeister

The Demons are back

I spend most of my time on the back porch. One reason is I can't smoke in the house, so, I have got a little smokehouse/t.v. room on my back porch. My porch is also equipped with a small gas burner to keep us warm. I have 5 little puppies back there to keep me occupied, too.. They do a good job of it, too. They are always into something. But, I like puppies so they don't bother me a bit. Except when they wake me up at all hours of the night playing and growling at each other Let's see, I have 5 puppies, a 12 y.o. poodle that is blind, The mother of the puppies, a chow mix, is at the point where she don't like to feed them because their claws are beginning to hurt her. I see a mess coming.If it wasn't so cold I would let them outside, but that is out of the question. Anyway, the title of my blog is the absolute truth. The demons I am referring to are the puppies. Don't think for a minute that they are not one in the same. They are. Don't be fooled. They are smarter than we give them credit for.They are the next great canine civilization. Snoopy, Wonderdog, The shaggy dog that watched over the herds of sheep, His buddy. I am warning all of you: BEWARE
theblogmeister

The thin ice of a new day.

Have you ever heard any Jethro Tull? Sad to day that He, Ian Anderson, Passed away. His band were a hell of a good over there. Another good band was Rory Gallagher(not the funny guy, not funny, weird, but funny ha.ha.)Anyway that was some damn good music. Na, I'm just standing around looking at the vernal equinox. Or is is ground hog's day? I can't remember. My blog's have been a little morbid lately, huh? You think about whats most in ones mined at that moment is the most important thing in this world. I might try my hang in writing. You be sure and tell me if I made a mistake, Okay? kiss me luck the blogmeister

PTSD is an REM Hell

I WANT TO A HAPPY, LIFE IS GOOD, TO A SRESSED-OUT FLASHBACKING sufferer of PTSD. Just in a matter of minutes. This disorder controls my cub-conscious and has, recently, invaded my conscious mind. I still take the mirtazapine to control my nightmares. I think that it may have found a way to circumvent my my awareness, and my nightmares. I have to stop this. I am afraid that I will lose the ability to control my awareness, my conscious mind. That is why I need your help. I cannot beat this on my own and I am beginning to wonder if it all is worth it. I know, however, that I can't do it own my own. Please give me you help. My blog is http://david-mybloggiest.blogspot.com Please read my blog and tell me what you think and what I need to do to get more readers. Until then, I hope to hear from you all. If you have a blog we will share them to get more traffic. Thank You, theblogmeister

Humility

I have learned a strong lesson in humility, recently. I was humbled by the Utah Utes. I, like many of the players at Alabama, read too many sportswriters pick of the game. I owe all of you Utah players and fans an apology. Please accept the sincerity of it. Hey, this is my blog and I can say anything, right? So, it is done. I do not know what happened to Alabama. They are a better team than they played. A good learning tool. I never expected Bama to go 12-2. We can only get better.I will say so long, theblogmeister

SEO

Search engine optimizer. When I get really bored I submit my site to about a cabillion search engines all at once. This could be the ultimate scam because I have no way of verifying that my site is placed on half that, half a cabillion. I can, however, confirm that three were. I had to click on the link that was sent to my e-mail. As far as the other cabillion( minus 3 )I can't be sure. I guess I'll have to take them at their word. Not to mention the flashing SEO sign I had to paste on my web page as payment for all of those many submissions. Let me tell you there was about a cabillion of those, too. Not flashing signs. There is no way at all to get that many on my house, much less my blog. I got a little lost, there. I do apologize. I have spent most of the day at my computer. My wife saw how much fun I was having typing my personal information repeatedly, until I had to schedule carpal tunnel surgery, she just had to have a blog of her own and the four scars that go along with it. You don't think I typed it in, do you? I had to go to physical therapy and squeeze a ball for 2 hours. Each hand. Now, the fun is almost over. Seriously. this is what I have come to dread. Sleep. I try shear exhaustion. Sometimes I get lucky. I used to ingest massive amounts of chemicals to reach stupor. I no longer support that method. I am currently using prayer and meditation. Pray for me. Thanks

High Tide

It has been a while. My PTSD has not improved at all. My psychiatrist has increased my mirtazapine and I did get some of that wonderful slumber for a few days. This, too, has passed. I , just like all of my medical specialists friends, have no control over the sub-conscious. I am now listening to some wonderful music by Jethro Tull. Why you ask? I chose to listen to Tull. I chose to post in my blog. The conscious mind. I have total control. Mistakes and all. I weigh the risks and benefits of a situation then take action. I reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. It is what you and I do everyday. Hundreds of times a day. Sometimes we are not fully conscious of what we are doing. We are not fully aware. There is a finite line between the two. When we allow our bodies to rest our mind keeps going. Why? We fall asleep and our sub-conscious mind takes control. We lose the power of choice. You cannot decide to dream a certain dream before you enter REM sleep. This is my enemy. My sub-conscious mind. It is out to destroy, divide and conquor.I do not have the skill or the strength to defeat what is out to destroy for to destroy the bad will destroy the good. How do I separate the two? I do not have the answer. I can only control the conscious mind. He is my friend. theblogmeister

Blogdom

Have you ever heard of blogdom? That is what I am suffering from. My PTSD is nothing compared to this. I am writing for the sake of writing. I have no legion, no groupies, no followers, not a single solitary sole that reads my blog. Why do it? It is what is called therapy. yeah, that's what I said,too. Somebody out there let me know if what I'm doing is worth it,okay?

thebloggers hangover

i did have one hell of a hangover. I don't know if it was because i went so far outside my norm or it reminds me of when i was younger and i could handle it. For whatever it was i ain't complaining. and ytou make all your animals feel to be thick as a brick. Sorry, just getting into some Tull while i try ro write. It ain't going so good so i hjad to let the Tull go for a minute. Im hope th3e feds don't come after me. That word looked almost likr jihad. ALL i need to know is that if there is one person out there reading my blogs i want to know. If not, I will stop wasting my rime. I can't get nothing past me, believe me , i have heard all my stories. So, if you like it, let me know,okay? later, theblogmeister