Friday, January 23, 2009

The surgeon

They rolled me into the room you go to get ready for surgery. I said goodbye to my beautiful wife and felt her warm lips caress my cold cheek.I was having a spinal fusion done on ,L2,L3,L4,L5,S1. I had it done in 2006 but after 4 months I had a titanium screw break and the bone grafts did not take, so, they went in and took out
71/2 titanium screws, 2 titanium rods and told me I would be okay.What do you think?
Right. I developed a bad case of spondylolisthesis. Big word, huh? Basically what it is the L5 vertebrae has fallen down to the point of disbelief. Surgery will correct the problem. I had heard that before. I was filling the effects of the versed they gave me. I always ask what they put in my IV. I was becoming a little anxious of being put to sleep because sleep is my enemy. It is where the Col. lurks waiting for me.The anesthesiologist came in and told me to open my mouth and I did. No problem tubing me. I wanted to tell the guy that I needed to be strapped to my gurney because of my entering the world where I have no control. The dark. It is his world and not mine. The versed was kicking in more than I had remembered last time and I was slowly falling into the dark. I could not get a word out and my heart began to beat faster. I wanted to let the doctors know of my demon but I couldn't. I was in His World now. The dark enveloped me as a friend. I knew what was coming and it would be my Enemy not my friend. I could not fight it off. I was there. The Dark. theblogmeister

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Have you really experienced real fear? Let me go a bit further. Terror. Do you know what it is like to have to live with real terror? When every cell in your body comes alive Your body is dumping massive amounts of adrenaline, the brain starts pumping massive amounts of dopamine and serotonin. Your respiratory system starts to shut down and you can't breathe no matter how much you try. The brain send signals to every part of your parasympathetic nervous system telling two things. Flight or fright. That is what I have been dealing with for the past 29 years. That is the reason I spent 15 of those 29 years in state prison. The reason for going to prison? Drugs was the only thing I found to deal with my demon. The use of narcotics was the only thing that quieted my demon. What about being in prison, how did you get narcotics? There is more drugs in prison than on the streets. My demon has a name. His name is Col Renold DeBarge. I had a visit from him last night. My wife, as she has done so many times the last 5 years pulled me away from him. I was in his clutches and it was pure and absolute terror. My dreams are my enemy. The daylight is my friend. I dread it when the sun begins to set. A beautiful sunset to others is fear for me. Can you grasp the enormity of that last statement? The darkness is my fear.I fear the darkness. I fear the night. I fear my own sanity. That is terror! theblogmeister