Saturday, August 3, 2013

Am I Dead?

The feeling, the bright light, the love emanating from my family that has gone on before me. I want it back. All I feel now is the need to return to where I had been.. I have read stories of near death experiences and never truly believed them. If that is what I had then I know that they are real. I try and tell my wife what just happened to me but I cannot communicate with her. My mind is working and I think I can talk but I am just lying there, motionless. I look at her and wish she could see and feel what I felt. There is nothing in this world that I can compare to what I went through. I do not know how long I was there but I wish I could go back. I cannot grasp the reasoning behind the visit to the other side. Did I almost die? At this point death would be special. Then I wonder if I actually die will I go to the same place I was previously. I just want to go back and feel the love from my family and friends.
  It felt like my bones were being crushed by a force never experienced. I tried to open my eyes but they were taped shut. As my brain was attempting to process what was happening I felt a warm sensation flowing through my veins. The pain in my body was easing but not going away completely. Sudden bright lights as the nurse took the bandages off my eyes made me think, for a second, I was going to that loving place. I blinked a few times and focused my eyesight to the people standing around me. My Doctors, my earthly family, nurses, and a bunch of equipment. They had brought me out of a coma. The news I was hearing was shocking. I had been in a coma for three months and during that time the tumors in my muscles, a result of the spreading bone cancer, had shrunken in size. Only a minor victory, though. The medical staff tried to tell me that nothing was done to me while I was in a medically induced coma. Diagnostic tests that were done had shown the Doctors that my tumors were shrinking. They had done nothing to cause this and were perplexed. It was not great news to me but the medical staff seemed a bit excited. My mouth was so dry I could not even speak, so, I asked for something to write with. I asked them if I had died. The look in their eyes gave me the answer. I had coded and had to be brought back with the defibrillator. They wanted to know how I knew. I was not about to tell them for fear of being given anti-psychotic drugs. Fuck'em. They don't need to know but I had to tell my wife. It took several hours of tests and questions from the staff before I had the chance to be alone with her. So, I began to tell her my story.                                                         theblogmeister

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Not The Same Man

Life sometimes throws you a curve. We get put in a situation that makes us shake our head and ask, "Why me?" I look back on my life and ask myself if I treated others the right way. Did I give others the benefit of the doubt? Did I treat others the way I wanted to be treated. The lights are beaming down on me making my skin hot. I see people hid behind mask without knowing if they are smiling or laughing.The pain is so bad I look for ways to end it, permanently. I feel someone grabbing my elbow and start to shake it. Why are they making things worse, for me? A nurse states that she has to start another IV because the one I have has infiltrated. I look into the nurses eyes and tell her I am gonna die, anyway, so, what's the bother. She states I will need it for fluids. These fluids have no magical properties that will save my life. She says nothing. The years I have been on Morphine has created an immunity to narcotics. Nothing eases the pain. My whole body is racked in imense pain. The doctor came in and I asked him to put me in a medical coma, that I could not stand the pain any longer. Thank God, he agreed. He said he would have to intubate me. I told him that I did't care, I just needed some relief. He left the room and returned with two other doctors and a large pack rapped in blue. After a few minutes he said that he would give me some medication that would put me under and I would feel no pain. I could have kissed him. He hooked a syringe to my IV and pushed. After a couple seconds I felt no pain in five years. That is when I saw a blinding white light. I felt I was being transported to another place. At the end of the journey I saw all my family and friends that had died in the past. They looked the same and they gathered around me and we spoke to each other without talking. Am I in heaven. It was wonderful. This cannot be real. I am not dead. My brother, who I lost in 1989 told me that this was real. I asked him if I was dead. He told me that I wasn't dead that I would be returned to my body. I wanted to cry tears of joy but no tears came. I looked at all that were gathered around me and I could feel their love. I did not understand what was happening but it felt wonderful. I was in no pain, whatsoever. I wanted to ask questions, a million of them. The love was so intense and I knew it was time to leave. My family and friends faded into the light qand I was in nothingness. No conscious thought, at all. I was just there. I wanted to go back to see and feel the love I had expierenced. Nothing. Blackness.            theblogmeister