Saturday, November 22, 2008


I have been told that my illness may well be with me from now on. My demon has haunted me for 29 years, so, I do not doubt that declaration. For 23 years I had no ammo to fight It with. I have the ammo now, yet I don't feel well trained enough to use it. It is strange. At times I feel I have the Demon shackled and feel some control. Then, I feel totally helpless. Memory is a strange part of my brain. Sometimes I can remember years past, other times I can't remember what I did yesterday. The memories that haunt my sub-conscious are so powerful. I may go for days with restful slumber then all hell breaks loose inside my mind. I wish a neurologist would clue me in. Psychiatrists have not helped. Maybe I need to do like the Indians and smoke some peyote or mescaline. I wonder if....... theblogmeister

Sunday, November 16, 2008

PTSD Terminal

After all the classes and all the enlightenment I have received concerning post traumatic stress disorder I had come to the realization that I had a handle on this sickness and could understand it. Information is power. I assumed power I did not have. The information I have gained in these last few months gave me a sense of false power. I thought I had a handle on my sickness and could somewhat control it. Just when I believed that I had the knowledge of PTSD and the ability to deal with my nightmares things seemed to get worse. It was like my demon gained strength the more knowledge I gained. The nightmares became worse instead or better. It came to the point that I considered the only way to get rid of my sub-conscious mind was to get rid of my conscious mind. One cannot live without the other. I decided to separate the two so I could live. Here comes the hard part. How do I separate the conscious from the sub-conscious? Sleep is not a barrier of the two. They co-exist with one another. It seems I must have a split personality with the ability to control each self. Is it possible? I don't know. I do know that living with the demon in control of my sub-conscious is no life at all. theblogmeister