Wednesday, September 3, 2008

There Is Hope

I am sitting here listening to my favorite artist, Jimmy Buffett. Yes, I am a parrothead! I have been one for a long time. When I am feeling depressed there is no medication better than Jimmy. I am not feeling depressed, just feeling like hearing some good ole Gulf and Western music. I am hoping to listen to about an hour of Buffett and dream about a beachhouse on the moon. Maybe a good dose of Barometer Soup would rid the Demon for another night. I doubt the Demon likes Buffett. I go a few days with beautiful, restful sleep and think that I, somehow, have defeated the Demon. It has happened too many times to count. When I think He is finally erased from my sub-conscious mind He returns with a vengeance. The only success I have had with battling Him is by using narcotics until I pass out. Sometimes, close to death. That has been the only coping skill that I have used over a span of 29 years, resulting in living about half that time in prison. The last stretch I did was 6 years on a 20 year sentence. I have been on parole since I got out in 2002. I have been on parole for 6 years and the only reason that I have not returned is because of a wonderful, beautiful, smart, sexy woman. Did I mention sexy? The greatest thing that ever happened in my emotionally distorted life is Lorri Riley. Because of her ability to give me what the psychologist, Abraham Maslow, said that in order to achieve self-actualization you have to have a sense of belonging. Lorri has given me that and more. She took a chance on a drug addict convict with a boatload of mental anguish and has taken me farther than I could have ever imagined. I still have a long way to go but she is beside me every step of the way. One day God is going to reward her with a husband free of demons and the past that has, until 2003, robbed me of a life free of all emotional hell. Lorri, this letter is for you. Thank you for taking that chance back in 2003. Forever and always, your loving husband, Mark, aka theblogmeister

Demonless Sleep

I can't tell you why I have had several days in a row of restful, dreamless sleep. I have not been doing anything different. Taking my meds, going to psychotherapy. I did start a new therapy session yesterday called spiritual trauma. I really believe that this will help me immensely. My spirituality has been non-existent for a number of years. When I was a child I remember it being the best times of my life. I was going to church on a regular basis. We had no choice because that was the way my parents chose to raise us. We had fun. Going to RA's, playing on the church team basketball, having socials, being around good people. That is where I learned my morals and values. I said, "Yes Sir and Yes Ma'am." Was a good kid. I carried that on through high school and into the Air Force. It was when the Colonel (my Demon) convinced me to go against my strong christian beliefs that my life spiraled out of control and is the reason the Colonel still haunts and terrifies me to this day. This is not of God. It rises from what I exactly call it.Demonic. Am I demon possessed? It sure sounds like it to me.I have never once considered this possibility. He that is in me is greater than He that is in the world. So it should be a simple answer. Have the Faith that God can do what I cannot do for myself. It is not easy. After 29 years of having my sub-conscious mind being ruled with evil I am having a hard time accepting that God can change it so quickly. I have fallen so far away from The Great Physician that I have to work at re-establishing my faith In a God that I used to take for granted. I am excited about these sessions with the Chaplain and will be excited to share them with you. This is for those returning Iraqi and Afghanistan war vets. You have been and seen things a normal mind cannot comprehend. Please do not let the pain you experienced in war keep you from seeking help. I waited over 20 years before I told a soul what I had done and it has made recovering from those wounds very difficult. Seek out help from the VA or your pastor . Anyone you feel comfortable talking to. You have to get it out. God Bless You and God Bless America! theblogmeister