Saturday, July 16, 2011

Managing My Mental Memories

Most, if not all, of my memories are mental time stamps. Just what the heck is a mental time stamp? Anytime I want to write a story all I have to do is recall certain memories, put them in a certain order, chronologically is done the most, emotive, and all memories that serve the purpose of my story. I included emotive for a specific reason. An actor is good at emoting to get his point across and for me it is the best way I can draw out certain behaviors to give my reader a feel for what I am reliving. That is all my stories. They are based on memories. I do not write novels. I emote on the page. If this sounds like the writings of a lunatic they very well may be. I change as my stories evolve into a coherent piece that is worthy of spending a few minutes to read. If I fail to have any emotion then I have failed you, the reader, and I, the writer. I mostly write while I am under the influence. I am glad WUI is not against the law. Writing Under the Influence. I have let my secret out, now. When I fail to keep your attention to read a story I have wasted time that helps me in my mental stability. It should be instability. It is like a diagnostician finding fault so I can figure a way to rehabilitate the fault. There is a jumble of neurons that are firing inside my brain constantly and for the only purpose; confusion. The colonel does not want me to reach that point when we actually communicated. But, that is what his sole purpose of existance. To communicate and find a way into the next dimension. It is like he had a chance and blew it. He now knows that he does not have to go through all the irrevelent things that scare most people away. My fear of him has abated. Now, if he pulls some stupid shit in the middle of the night he may succeed in scaring the hell out of me. We are past all that, now. Let us try it one more time. It was my anger that made you flee the last time. I will not make that mistake, again.                        theblogmeister

Friday, July 15, 2011

In a Zombie State of Mind

I don't know why this is happening to me. I quit smoking reefer a long time ago. It has nothing to do with the colonel, either. I can't explain it but sometimes I feel that I have contracted an Amazon disease that turns you  into a pygmy. The only problem is that I am not getting shorter. I like how tall I stand. I am five foot, eleven inches, the standard height of a male as quoted by the American Medical Association. I am not too tall and I am not too short. It has absolutely nothing to do with PTSD and I honestly don't know why I think it is important enough to put in my article. That is my point. The colonel has changed my life, forever. My thinking is predicated on my fears of my life in the midnight hours. If weed was legal I would be afraid to smoke it. I do not need cannabis to have freaky dreams. When I was a small child I would walk in my sleep. To prove that my midnight hours have not altered that much my wife says I talk in my sleep to this day. For some reason that bewilders me I have a very active midnight hour life. Maybe I was predisposed to nocturnal behaviors. My sub-conscious mind has a wonderful opportunity at creating or what ever it does while I am asleep. I do not know until I am pulled into another dimension by the colonel. That is when the shit hits the fan, excuse my french. I believe that the colonel is not the first one that I've had contact with on the other side. Maybe he was aware of that fact and is the reason that he chose me to carry out his plan. I'm afraid he needs me, once again. If not, why all the bother? I am beginning to think that he has not completely crossed over and is stuck between dimensions. I may be the only one that can complete the task since I started it.
  For some of you this may be too much to comprehend. Every thing is possible through these eyes. I have been dealing with more than most. Is what I write true? It is to me. Things happen that I cannot understand. My mental health has been an issue with me for a long time. Sometimes I think it all could be a bad dream. I've had those, too. I know what mental pain is all about. It is not much different than my physical pain. After several failed attempts at spinal fusion I am now, and have been for over a year, in pain management. I have an epidural every other month and they are only now starting to give me relief. Like my PTSD, things happen. I lost my medicaid on June 30th. My wife, who suffers from fibromyalgia, just received her disability and I lose my medicaid because we make $80 dollars over the limit. They do not let me count the $325 dollars that comes out of my check for child support. I make $261 dollars per month. I have talked with so many people about some help to no avail. I am going to have to come up with $180 dollars to get my caudal epidural. My luck, just when those shots started working. So, I am pulling my head out of the sand and asking for donations to keep my shots from being stopped. I'm going to keep on writing and telling you about my dreams. If you can help, please do. if not, please keep reading. Thanks for listening.    

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Where The Hell am I Going

 I have , at one time, thought I knew where this blog was heading. Now, I am not so sure. I have self punished for many, many, years. The Colonel has punished me until I thought I could not take it anymore. There is something inside me that will not allow that to happen. Is it God? I do not know. Is it Satan? He seems the more logical choice. Torment for 30+ years has to be evil. There are times when I believe that I have kicked his ass. Satan, not God. Yet the torment will not abate. It is not just me, it is my wife, also. She lives through the hell just as I. When we first got together, I did not think that the Colonel would bring her in to the hell I have been living. I told Lorri of my torment, trying to scare her away, it did not work. For some reason she believed that I needed her to stay sane. You have no idea what that meant to me. While I was in the VA hospital in Tuscaloosa, she called every night. When the phone would ring and the staff would say,"It is your girlfriend." my knees would almost buckle. I could not believe this woman cared so much for me. It was beyond my comprehension. Yet, she called every night. I had known her since highschool and she followed me. She had a bad marrage and did not want to get involved in any relationship with any male. But something happened that changed her mind. She could not explain. From that moment on, she knew that she would spend the rest of her life with theblogmeister  amen

Am I Losing My Mind?

The question has come up, before. Am I losing it? What I have been through and what I have seen should make any sane person question his or her sanity. I am still having the nightmares that plagued me for years. I try to make sense of it all, with not much luck. I honestly believe that there is some kind of unexplained power that exists in my sub-consciousness. I have literally sat and spoke with the colonel after decades of his earthly death. For some reason, I have scared him off to the point he has reverted back to the days when his death occured. I know how close he and his wife, Bunny, were while they were a part of this dimension. Has he not been able to reach her? Is he stuck between dimensions that do not allow him the ability to interact with his beloved wife? These are answers that I cannot give. If only he would come to me, as he did before, he may be able to tell me why he has not passed on. I have had many friends and family that have died and they seem to have passed through to the other dimension.My brother who died in 1989 has seemd to have had no problem leaving this dimension and yet he still visits me from time to time. Whether they are dreams or actual visits, I have no way of knowing. There are too many questions that I have no answer. I believe in a higher power and angels that look after us but I don't know how it all fits in. I have no doubt in my mind that there is a heaven and one day those that believe that Jesus is the son of God an if you believe that God sent Jesus to give the ones that accept him we will have eternal life. I also am being pulled in different directions by Lucifer and I believe that he that is in you is gtreater than he that is in the world. It will be a joyous day when God says it is time to go home to live in a hew heaven. I believe thqat you will be known as you are known. We will be together with those that have gone before us. There will be one great fight against good and evil and good will be the victor. theblogmeisteer