Saturday, December 18, 2010

Working on Going Home

   The pain is all consuming. I try to watch T.V. to get my mind off the pain but it doesn't work. I've got so much narcotics flowing through my veins I should not be able to feel a thing. When I drift to the days of the war when Riley and me spent over three years as prisoners to the japs my mind will take over and it feels like I am back there. After we dropped our load and Riley came up to tell me I made a b-line north, to get as far away from Japan as I could get. We ran out of gas and had to ditch in the ocean and was picked up by the Japs. They took us, a little banged up, to a prison camp. There were about 6 others from our squadron already there. We were told that the Japs had killed three of our pilots after charging them with crimes against the Emperor. Fuck the Emperor.
  I was awaken by Airman Riley just as I was getting ready to jump one of them guards and slit his throat. "What's up, Col. D? How was your night, is the pain still pretty bad?" He really cares. He is not making small talk, he means it. He would do almost anything to help. I still haven't gotten him to agree to my plan. I just need to work him a little more. "Have you thought anymore about my plan?" I quizzed.
  "Yea, Col. D, That is all I have been thinking about. I understand the pain and not wanting it to continue but to die because of it? Let me refrain that last statement, enough for me to take a chance and kill you?" He was torn between wanting to do it and being afraid to do it. If I can get him to believe that he can do it and not get caught, I think he will do it.
  "Listen, you are no dummy, I know that you can get the medicines to put me to sleep, permanently. You will not be able to tell anyone and I sure as hell can't!"
  "But Col., you are asking me to go against everything that I believe in and love about medicine. I do not know if I can. I can't sleep at night thinking about this, I think about it all day." I think I may be getting to him. "Look, Riley, you can do this, I am begging you to do this. I can't take it much longer. Please, help me, please." Our relationship seemed to change at that moment I looked into his eyes. He seemed resigned that it must be fate that we were brought together. He was not his normal chipper self. It was like he was carrying the burden of the world on his shoulders. It would be less than a week and I think he will give me the greatest gift of all: death.   theblogmeister

Friday, December 17, 2010

Planting The Seed

  I have survived another night, beeps and all. I have wasted away, almost. The cancer has ravaged my body to the point I cannot stand alone. My skin has become so thin the doctors put a catheter into my subclavian vein because my IV's kept infiltrating. I no longer have to take shots for the pain, instead, I am receiving Dilaudid IV through my new catheter. I have spoken with Bunny and told her of my plan to ask airman Riley if he would end this suffering for me. He will come to my room, as he does every day, to say good night and I have decided to ask him today. Bunny took it harder than I expected. She hates to see me like this but she is not ready to lose me. We have had a good life, together, but it is time for it to end. She was so upset that she had to leave the hospital around noon and I talked her into staying at home to get some rest. It has been really hard on her. Our two best friends, Tom and Joan Riley, were leaving this afternoon to go back to Kansas and I wanted Bunny to be with them when they left.
  Tom has been a great friend over the years. We went through hell, together,in the Tokyo raid of April, 1942. He was my bombardier on that flight with the other 'Doolittle Raiders' as we had become known. I remember Tom checking his bomb sites over and over on that three and a half our flight after we left the USS Hornet. There were 16 B-25's in that raid, a total of 80 men. We did not have the gas to make it to China because of having to take off early. We flew low and in single file and when we reached the Japan coast we went to our pre-planned route to drop our bombs then try to make it to China. We were flying so low the Japanese thought we were their planes and would wave at us. Tom yelled that the load had been dropped and I made a bee-line north knowing we would not make it. Tom touched me on the shoulder and said not to worry that we would make it out alive and back to the great United States of America. I looked back to him and smiled.
  After Tom and Joan left the hospital I knew that I would never see them, again. Tom, by the look in his eyes, knew it too. We said our goodbyes and started to weep. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. Even through those years as a POW. He never cried. I will miss him, dearly. Now I have to convince airman Riley to end this for me. It was about time for him to come in through the door. I did not have to wait long.
  "Alright Col. D. It is my time to go. Sleep well and no dreaming of those geisha, we don't want you to have a wet dream." Then he laughed. I sure will miss this kid more than I ever  thought. I spoke up. "Sit down a minute, Riley, I want to ask you for a favor." The colonel spoke softly. "I would not ask you this but I need you to do something very important for me." Riley said just to name it and it would be mine. "I need you to put me out of my misery." He looked funny then told me not to even joke about that. "I am serious, I need you to put an end to all this. I can't take it, anymore. Bunny can't take it, anymore. Please." He looked like someone just punched him in the stomach. "I will see you, tomorrow." He looked down and slowly walked out of the room. The seed had been planted.

Facing The Truth

   After Airman Riley finished my a.m. care the doctors came to visit. You know when 3 or more docs visit you at once, it is not a good sign. I was right. They told me the cancer had metastasized and I had a few months, at best. I wonder how Bunny is going to take this.? Not good. I can't stand the pain for a few more months. Think how it feels to smash your finger with a hammer, triple that, and that is how I feel. I have some good days, though. Riley helps me get my mind off my pain. He told me yesterday that Col. Potter was to reassign him. I will have a talk with her. Riley is the only thing, next to Bunny, that I look forward to. My days are filled with tremendous lows followed by some good times with Riley. He is just a kid from Alabama that does not realize how much he means to me. When I was his age, 19, I was learning to fly B-25's. He is doing his part. I have talked it over with Bunny and made it clear that I did not want to live like this. The pain meds are beginning to have no effect on this cancer that is eating my body away. I have to find a way to end this. I just can't take it, anymore. I know Bunny will not do what needs to be done and I am not sure that I can convince Riley into helping me. I can't do it because Bunny will lose my pension and will not get my life insurance. I have to find a way to convince airman Riley to go along with this. First, I will have a talk with Col. Potter to make damn sure that Riley is my care taker. I do not want to develop, nor do I have the time, a relationship with another tech. Riley has been with me from the start. I just hope I will be able to convince him that this is the best way for Bunny and me. I often wonder what would happen, if he agrees to help me, with his future. Will he be able to handle it, mentally? Will he even agree to do it at all? We will just have to wait and see. The door opens and it is Riley.
  "Hey, Col. D. I have some food that I had flown in from Paris. I think you will enjoy it." This kid is amazing. I am really going to miss him.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Through Green Eyes

   That damn beeping. I go to bed with it and I wake up with it. That only proves that I am alive. Did you know that all hospitals smell the same? Like shit, to me. I had one hell-of-a dream last night. We were on the USS Hornet. My buddy's name was Riley, ironically. That may be why I like the kid so much. Anyway, Riley and me were in a briefing Col. Doolittle was giving. We had practiced this back at Eglin Field. We had to take out our belly gunner and replace it with gas tanks. Instead of a rear gunner, we had two broom sticks painted black sticking out the rear of our B-25's. We had extra tanks everywhere we could put them. It was 1942 and we were on our way for some paybacks. There were 16 B-25's lashed on the deck of the Hornet. At the briefing Col. Doolittle asked for anyone that changed his mind. There were no takers. It would be a one way trip. We had the fuel to take off from the deck and fly to our target, release our bombs, then fly to China to an airfield with a beacon to hone us in for a landing and fuel. This briefing was called hastily. I looked at Riley and he had that same look of excitement in his eyes as so many of us did. We are fixing to kill some Jap bastards!
   The Colonel called us all to attention. There were 80 of us and we were ready to go.
  "I have some news that is very critical." he almost yelled. ""We were spotted by a fishing vessel and we believe that he reported our position to their Headquarters. We are 600 miles from Japan and, as you all are well aware, was supposed to take-off within 425 miles." There was a lot of guys taking deep breaths. They new that there was not enough gas to make it to China if we took off now. "I am giving one more chance if anyone wants out." There was still no takers.
  I hear Riley's voice breaking through my dream.
  "Good morning Col. I hope you slept well, last night."  "Hey, there's my little buddy. Slept well, airman Riley, slept well.        This story and the next 4 posts are fiction. I had no way to know what the Colonel's motivations and feelings were. This is my interpretation of 'His Story'.     theblogmeister

Better Late Than Never

  I apologize to my readers that have informed me of their enjoyment in reading my posts. I have to be honest with you and say that I have avoided writing because of the results the writings brings me. I have a fear or phobia, whatever you want to call it, of sleep. I do not have to tell you why that is a fear for me. I have sleeping meds that do not work, so, I have tried something I heard about from some friends. You may have heard of it, it is the incense you buy at any smoke shop. They will tell you it is not for human consumption, but we all know what it is for. I bought some called cloud 10 and the only reason I tried it is because it does not show up in a drug test. Because of my prior criminal activities I am on parole, for the last 8 years, and do not want to go back to prison. That is a story I will tell at another time. I smoked this shit and it got me stoned as good as some skunk buds I used to grow years ago. It is legal, although, the man is trying to make it illegal. I must admit that the shit worked and I got some sleep without fighting off the Col. My luck is it will be banned. I will not take anything illegal for fear of losing my freedom. I have been out of prison after doing 6 years and that is enough. I do not know how long this cloud 10 will work, I will keep you posted. As for my bio, I do not know where the hell I am, at this point. I will have to go back and figure out where to pick up and continue on. There is still a lot to tell of my life that you will, indeed, want to hear. It is a miracle that I am alive, today. I do not know why. It has not been an easy life. My dreams were shattered when I took the life of the Col. I have been winging it ever since. I do not make plans for the future, I do not make any promises, I do not worry about tomorrow. I tried to control my life and all I did was end up in prison most of my younger years. I take what comes and try to deal with it. This Demon has almost broke me many times. I cannot count how many times I almost pulled the trigger. It is scary as hell, now. The one thing that has helped is getting feedback from you. Especially the 15 year old, I will not say who you are because you already know. I appreciate the comments, it makes all this, somehow, worth it. I will return writing on a regular basis when I run out of that cloud 10. I tried writing while i was under the influence but it did not work. I spent a long time staring at the keyboard wondering how to operate it. I am almost out and I think I'll take my chances with the Col. after that. Keep reading and your input is invaluable.   theblogmeister