Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Demon's Are Back

Severe pain will make a person do some very crazy things. I have heard of people killing themselves because they could not handle the pain. When I first started this blog I was racked with extreme emotional pain. What is the difference? Physical pain, at the beginning, can be controlled by narcotics, if the pain is severe enough. Emotional or psychological pain cannot be alleviated by any drug. During my early years while I was in the Air Force working as a medic in a hospital. I met a man that would change my life, forever. If you have read my earlier blogs, then, you know the whole story. If you have not, I strongly suggest that you do so. It will give you the springboard into my years of insanity. If you have no idea what I am talking about I will give you a short look into my past. When I was 19 years old, I met a man that would haunt me for the next 30 years. The reason? I took his life. The colonel was a great friend that was dying of inoperable cancer. A cancer that proved to not respond to any treatment. After watching him waste away to 80 pounds and a shell of what he once was, he came to me and asked me to end this suffering for him. It was a very hard decision for me to grapple with. I wanted to be a doctor and killing your patient was not apart of becoming a doctor. He was a smart man, a retired fighter pilot, and manipulated me,a kid, into doing what he wanted. So, I did it. I won't go into the specifics, you can read about all that in my earlier blog posts. The demon I am suffering with, today,is one not much different than the one before. Here is what is happening.
  In 2006, I had a spinal fusion surgery because of a degenerative disc disease. My L-5 vertebrae had dropped so far down that it interfered with my nerves that ran down my leg. Five months after the insertion of surgical screws, rods, and bone grafts that were supposed to keep the L-5 vertebrae in place actually worked. Until 5 months after the surgery. Unfortunately for me, a titanium screw broke causing the neurosurgeon to go back in and remove all the hardware that was put in to correct the problem. Every since I have been taking morphine sulphate to deal with the pain. Now, five years later, I am at a point where the pain meds do not work, I am in constant excruciating pain, I am totally limited to what I can do. The result; The Demon is back. He is trying to convince me to follow the colonel's path. I know I could end the pain in a second. I have been trying to get the VA to do the surgery, but to no avail. I have found a surgeon that will take medicare and do the surgery but I will have to come up with the 20% medicare will not cover. I have has this blog for 5 years and have made $10 dollars in google adsense advertising. That is a scam. All I am asking from my readers is to donate so I can have the surgery. I have been getting 300 hits/day and if my readers would like to help, please donate on my blog. You can save my life. Thank you, theblogmeister