Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Suicide is painless

It brings on many changes and I could take it or leave it if I please.I am , once again, staring into the emotional abyss. The place that solves all problems.Answers don't matter. Therefore, no questions. No dull, monotonous drummings of life. Don't have to listen to my heartbeat thumping in between my ears. I called it an abyss, however, I think it may be a black hole this time. There is more of an energy than I remember. It is hard to look away from the dark. No, there is no light escaping this. I wonder how it would feel to take a step off the edge and into the unknown. Truthfully, that is my barricade keeping me from punching my last ticket. Fear of the unknown. It is not like someone telling you the end of a horror film. This is going to a place that you would be hard pressed to find anyone with the slimmest idea of what lurks around the next corner. If there is a corner. Very intimidating. If it were easy everyone would do it. "My wife cheated on me." Click, BOOM!I am just talking shit. As much hell that I have put myself through. The nightmares, the self medicating, all pales in comparison to the pain of death, of my existence being over. No, I am a coward. Sometimes I wish that I had the courage to end all this. Is that courageous? Who sets the standards of wellness, anyway? What is the control group and who decides that which we measure as esteem?I wanted to get lead poisoning when I started this letter. Now, I have talked myself out of it. Courageous or cowardly. Ask the guy in the lab coat holding the lab rat. Maybe later theblogmeister

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