Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Darkside

    I have on many occasions told you where my fears lie and why. I lose control the minute I fall asleep and enter a parallel universe. I am alive, breathing, but my mind does not sleep. My body is getting to the point that I cannot continue these excursions into a reality that does not belong to me. My body is racked with chronic pain that consumes my waking hours. After 4 back surgeries and countless epidurals they are becoming a problem almost as taxing as my mental health. Good mental health requires me to have a healthy body, which I do not have. I have been taking morphine for the past 5 or 6 years to the point of achieving tolerance. After a rough day dealing with the pain I need a good nights sleep which is beyond my reach. I have tried numerous sleep aids with no good results. When I was using something to help me sleep it would only give my sub-conscious mind over to a reality, whether real or not, that would confuse a mind trying to rest. Rest does not exist for me. I am battling a real foe during the day and I am in a constant state of terror at night. I cannot remember the last good dream that I had. It has been that long. My dreams are dominated by the colonel. In some form or fashion he is a part of my dreams. I do not understand how my sub-conscious mind can be taken over to the point of complete dream domination. I do not have good dreams, they may start out that way, invariably ending with some warped or twisted end. This shit gets old, too. I am trying to write a story about my life and cannot keep what I want to do a possibility. That bastard, whom at one time I really loved, will not let me live my life without interference from him. All I really want to know, is it him or is it me? I do not like living like this. Afraid to sleep in my own bed or anywhere, for that matter. If I am doing this to myself then why? Can anyone answer that? Am I punishing myself for what happened over 30 years ago? That seems absolutely crazy, to me. Some people have the ability to communicate across the divide of reason. I know that when I was putting in a bathroom in the master bedroom of my Mom and Dad's house to get it ready to sell I kept hearing loud noises, bangs and crashes and never found the reason for the noises. My Mom died in that house 2 years ago and while I was alone in that house I kept hearing noises that I could not explain. I would walk through the house yelling my mom's name and she would not answer. I wanted her to answer me so much. To this day we still did not find the reason for the noises. Was my Mom trying to communicate with me? Hell, I do not know. I call myself crazy for the things that go through my mind. Am I , really? It could be possible for spirits to communicate with the living. Maybe we all have the potential to do this, we just do not know how. I have had some unexplained things happen to me over the years. I have some dreams that would push a sane person over the edge. Why am I not a slobbering, bumbling fool? Post traumatic stress disorder is what the medical professionals call it. It is more like the twilight zone, to me. Here I go rambling on about the realities of another dimension. All I know for a fact is that I am being visited, whether real or in my head, by someone who has been dead a long time. It is not every now and then, rather, on a consistent basis. I do not have answers that I want. I do not know how to find those answers. I will not shy away from the demon of my dreams until he tells me why I am being terrorized. Someday I am going to make sense of all of this. When I do, I hope it is for the right reasons. Because right  now, nothing makes any sense.  theblogmeister

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