Apologies And Prayer

I want to apologize to those that suggested I write a book. It is important for me to keep this journal and to try to hang on to my sanity. In reality, I use a lot of humor as a defense mechanism so I don't have to talk about the seriousness of my sickness. Some of the stories in this journal sound like a screenplay for a horror flick but every word written is true. My nightmares are getting much worse. It happens when I go for long stretches without writing about my experiences in this journal. My fear is that one day, no matter how many times I post, the nightmares will worsen. Then what will I do? I can't medicate myself into stupor. Soon, the pills won't work, anymore. My psychiatrist has already doubled my mertazapine, the meds I take for the PTSD. I was given an appointment at the VA clinic for next tues.(In Gadsden). My psych doc wants to keep seeing me in B'ham every 90 days. I hope I find another vet that is suffering from PTSD here in Gadsden and won't be afraid to talk. I really don't know how much longer I can hold on. Stress makes all my symptoms worsen. My ex-wife is getting half my disability check and I just found out that she is getting my $250.00 recovery check that I was really depending on. It doesn't matter that she and her husband both make real good money and my wife has fibromyalgia and has not worked since Dec. '06 and was denied her ss disability. I have filed for service-connected disability and individual unemployability. If I am denied that we will be homeless. Say a prayer. thanks, theblogmeister