Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What Have I done?

  For all of my readers I have relived the traumatic event that ruined my life. Now, I am not blaming you, at all. I made the choice to go back and give all my readers the story that happened so long ago and the consequences of reliving that day. The problem with reliving a traumatic event is that it brings out the very thing that has caused havoc in my life. PTSD is a very cunning disease. It can last for years and sometimes get worse with age. It is not like a bottle of fine wine, on the contrary, as soon as you open that bottle it is almost like Satan himself is released. All of the pain, in my case, exploded to the forefront. My nightmares have returned with a vengeance. I am afraid to go to sleep.
  There is a big difference between the conscious mind (Being awake and aware of your surroundings) and the sub-conscious mind (having absolutely no control of your surroundings.) I have even consulted with a hypnotherapist to try to change my sub-conscious thoughts. I have even considered acupuncture. Do I sound desperate? The terror filled nights that I have experience has begun to question my sanity. I think about our men in the military and what horrors they have witnessed. I pray for them and I hope you will add them in your prayers whether you agree with the United States' foreign policy. It sickens me to see Americans that hold rallies invoving dead soldiers funerals and yell that they got what they deserve. I'm sure you know about the church in Kansas that pickets those military burials spouting cruel and inhumane voices at the grieving families. I believe in freedom of speech but let those crazies exercise their right in Kansas, not all over the country at our fallen heroes funerals.
  Because of my charge nurse that supervised me on the surgical floor I worked while in the military, I was ordered to care for a dying patient that manipulated me into taking his life. Medicine was my life. Because of her not wanting to displease a dying patient I was ordered to care for him, exclusively. Had my commanding officer on our floor explained to the Col. that I could not care for him any longer my life would be fulfilled with a dream since childhood. I would have become a doctor. Saving countless lives instead of ruining my own

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