Monday, November 1, 2010

The Demon: Revisited

  Sleep is trying to overtake me. I try to fight but the medications win every time. It doesn't take long before the Demon to pull me into the abyss of the sub-conscious. He is powerful, relentless, unforgiving.His only goal is to re-play the trauma of my past. He controls my mind in the night.His power is nocturnal, In formidable.The result of over 30 years of a bond He has created between my waking self and my sub-conscious.He hates the fact others know of Him.He is afraid.Afraid of being locked away where memory has no breath.He is afraid of losing His power over me.My nightmares are becoming desperate.He is becoming stronger than the chemicals I use to quiet Him.To tame Him the way it was before.It seems that His power is strengthening.My therapist tells me to give him no quarter.Take away His name.Take all of His power.I practice ways of stealing His power by not giving Him credit for my sleep problems.Self talk and self awareness.It seems the more I learn about PTSD, the stronger He becomes. It is not supposed to work that way.The coping skills are a way to deal with problems of the light.Nothing, it seems, works for the night.Colonel Renold L. DeBarge. Full Bird.In life a smart, witty, gentleman with a heart of gold.In death He lives on.Why don't you leave me alone?I ask God to take Him away.Erase Him from my memory.Give me peace. Rest. Freedom from fear of the night. He is creeping into my days, too. I isolate myself. I avoid crowds. He watches me but He has no courage to confront me in the conscious state.He knows His power is limited, if non-existent during the day. He patiently waits. He knows I can't stay awake, forever. The night is His stage.He knows I can not escape the night so he waits, and waits, and waits.Like a small child that waits on the tooth fairy but knows the tooth fairy will not come while he is awake.So, the child, with excitement, hurries to fall asleep. I envy that child.I envy his beautiful, bountiful, sleep.     theblogmeister

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