Sunday, November 21, 2010

Lost In Time

  I have no idea where, chronologically, I am in this story of my life. I wanted to try and tell what it was like, pre Colonel D, what happened, and what my life is like, now. I am an editors nightmare. Why should I have all the fun having these nightmares? I would like to spread it around.
  There has been a lot of outside interference, lately. I am having a hard time keeping things organized and trying to let my reader know how crazy my life has been. That is one thing that I have successfully pulled off. If there is one thing you know about me it is that I am one screwed-up SOB. I will be the first one to admit to it, at least. I know some people that are crazy and they do not have a clue just how crazy they are. Those are the ones that worry me. I guess that is why these reality shows have such appeal. We are being let in on some things that should remain private. As in my case, I had some things happen that I chose to let no other human being know about. Reasons? There are several, one would be fear. Fear of being charged with a crime. Although by now that is irrelevant. Fear of what others would think of me. Now, I just don't give a shit. My biggest reason is anger. The fear has gave way to being mad as hell at the SOB that manipulated me at such a young age and caused me to throw away what I loved more than anything else on earth. Medicine. I would have been an excellent doctor. Just as my friend, Herb. I gave up on all my boyhood dreams to make an old man happy. In retrospect, all of this was done because the colonel was a coward and I allowed that coward to take control of my life. Even in death he has caused me great pain and sacrifice. Does that not make me what he was? Am I a coward? Webster defines the word coward in two ways. As a noun, the definition is; a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, or pain. As an adjective; very fearful or timid. According to what Mr. Webster says, I am the coward. All these years I have called the colonel a coward and have been speaking of myself. If I am the coward, what does that make Him? Cunning? To have an accurate description of what He was we have to know what He did. It is simple. To make sure the one woman that he cared about the most did not suffer and would be well taken care of He had to make sure his death would not be classified, by the pathology department, as a suicide. He had to find a way to end his life by "natural causes." He could not take the pain of living any longer. Does that sound familiar? He lacked courage in facing difficulty and pain. A Coward. He was a very smart coward. Can you really be both a coward and smart. Shit, I am confusing myself. Well, I was fearful and timid, the term used as an adjective. All I know for sure is that he accomplished what he planned to do. He did not take into consideration how that plan of his would affect me. All he cared about was Bunny. He cared enough about me to leave me something in his will. Hell, he could have left me a small fortune for all I know. I did not go to the reading or ever try to speak to Bunny, again. I have kept something from that relationship with the colonel. And, I have lost something. I have kept the memory of watching the colonel, a frail shell of a man, become the most evil, terrifying Demon that any movie has created. It has been over 30 years of trying to defeat that frail shell of a man that I had grown to love and I chose to end his life. Who am I really fighting?   theblogmeister

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