Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The Pain Goes On.
I have asked myself too many times why He picked me. I still do not have an answer. I have wanted to believe that He really cared about my well being and that he would not put me in harms way for selfish reasons. I thought of Him as a good man, an honorable man, an honest man. During His life I believe he was all of those. The few months I was a part of his life he acted as such. When it came time for His decision to stop the pain He did not care who He hurt. He wanted two things, a) to end His suffering, and b) to make sure that Bunny would be taken care of after He was gone. He could not do this on His own and chose me to help Him achieve His goals. I ask God why I am being tortured for the sins of another. I know what I did was wrong and I also know that if the Col. had not talked me into doing what I did that my life would be no where near the life that I live, today. I gave up medicine because I could not trust myself to be responsible for someone else's life. I have a problem that was created by my own mind. I do blame the Col. for creating this Monster inside me. I have grown to hate this Demon. I still fear what He can do from the other side. I believe, as I said before, that this is of my own creation but I sometimes wonder if the Col. somehow can haunt me from where He is today. I watch shows about ghosts and how they can enter our realm. Maybe the Col. has that ability. I do not think my sub-conscious mind is that powerful. I have met the Col. in the middle of the night, staring Him down, smelling the rotting breath of a corpse and is my mind creating this? My mind should not choose sides. Do you think living is a primal instinct. Our bodies can do amazing things to stay alive. Then why would the mind ruin its host? There has to be more forces at work. If you bumped into me at the mall you would not sat there goes a crazy man. How can someone change so abruptly? There has to be something outside of myself at war with my self. I am not fighting me. I am fighting with an entity that I can't explain. He knows my weaknesses and exploits them. He is relentless and will not give up. I believe He is out to destroy me. He has already gotten me to fight with myself. This war is continuing every night. I cannot give in. I have a wonderful woman that wants to keep me around. She is worth fighting for, I believe. So, My journey continues. I will not talk any more of the good that was the Col. He has transformed into my enemy. He will not win this war. I am sure I will not see the last of the Col. theblogmeister