Saturday, November 13, 2010


This morning I awoke to the sounds of birds chirping outside my window. The mirtazapine, a new drug for PTSD sufferers, seemed to do its job. I felt relatively relaxed and felt that I enjoyed a good nights sleep. It was still dark outside so I figured it to be before 6am. That's good. I fell asleep around 10pm. I stretched my legs apart to join up with Lorri's legs with no luck in finding them. She must be up, already. I did not smell the coffee, though. It is a rule at our house that the first one up makes the coffee. It is usually me because of my sleeping habits. A couple hours here, a couple there. No set pattern. Since I have been on this mirtazapine I have actually slept all night. It's amazing, really. I have not had that luxury in many years. The colonel saw to that. I eased out of bed and walked out on our back porch. No Lorri. I made a quick check of the house. No Lorri. Her car was outside so I knew she didn't go anywhere. It is possible she could have walked over to my Dad's but not without telling me. I picked up my cell phone and dialed Lorri's number. I was in the front room but I could faintly hear Lorri's phone ringing in the bedroom. It was just getting daylight and there was a faint light illuminating the inside of the house. I followed the sound of the phone. It was coming from the bedroom. When I reached the bedroom door I saw her lying under the covers. I was relieved and at the same time perplexed. I slowly walked up and pulled the covers back, bending down to kiss her on the cheek. The sound was that scream you would find in a bad horror movie. At first I thought it was Lorri screaming but it was me. When I pulled the covers back I didn't find my wife. What I saw was pure evil. It was the colonel with his pale complexion and breath that smelled of death. I knew it was too good to be true. He was letting me know that he was back. And he was here to stay.I really believe that I am possessed by a man that I killed over 30 years ago. Whatever I do He haunts me to this day. He is USAF Full Bird Col. Ret. Renold L Debarge.I have taken medication, group therapy, and individual therapy to try and cope with this Demon that lives in my head. No matter what I try I cannot get Him out of my sub-conscious. I have tried religion, self-hypnosis, self-awareness, all to no avail. I am convinced He will be the end of me. I am not positive that I will ever be completely away from Him. The reason is that He and I are the same. I am responsible for the years of pain, the years of incarceration, the years of self-medication, the years of fear, the years of creating an alternate self that has taken a life of its own. That is a lot of physical and emotional pain. It would have been better for me to kill Him. Killing Him would mean killing the part of my psyche that created the evil twin, for lack of better words. Believe it or not, there is some good that has survived as long as He.I have to find a way to be stronger than the other side. theblogmeister

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