Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What Is Real?

  I have, once again, started having the nightmares that have plagued me for so long. This was a risk I took, knowing the consequences. I keep asking myself why I have so much trouble with something so old, very old. It happened in September of 1978. I decided to go back to that time and put what happened to me on paper. What I have lost. What I have gained. The only way for me to know if I had any positive results from my experiences is to weigh the good versus the bad. I have to relive what has happened to find out. I wish it was easy enough just to sit and say, I gained something or lost. The past year has been extra tough, for me. Is it because of my writings? I write because of the craziness in my head. The nightmares have been more frequent this year than years past. I do not know why that is. Writing has not slowed them, so, I will keep on writing. I have mentioned my battles. With myself and with the law. There is one battle that I am proud of and I will tell you why in due time. The years after the death of my brother and best friend were the most challenging. I did not cope well with his death. I used the coping mechanism that has worked best. Getting stoned. I do not mean getting a buzz on some weed, I am talking about really stoned. Narcotics. They worked to rid the Demon, for the most part, and worked well with the loss of someone I loved. I was married during the first year after my brothers death and while I was in a 6 month in-patient drug treatment center I was granted a divorce, I did not know anything about. Hell, I would have divorced me, too. It was probably caused by the diet I was on. Pharmaceuticals. While we are on the subject of Rx's I did something pretty damn crazy. There was a drug store in a little strip mall that had another store next to it, divided by a large door between the two stores. You could go in one store and walk through to the drug store or visa verse. I happened to notice that the non-drug store did not have any alarms on the door or windows. One night, after I grew some balls with the help of a handful of xanax, I broke the glass door to the non-drug store. It so happened that I had a large garbage bag hanging out my back pocket, which came in handy as I shopped at the drug store. It was 2am and there was not a soul in sight. I will tell you much more, later. I have to go.     theblogmeister

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