Sunday, August 8, 2010

I Am Afraid To Go Sleep

It is true. I am actually afraid to sleep after who paid me a visit last night. I have not felt this way in a long time. The past couple of months I have enjoyed sleeping through the night. Sounds like a small child, doesn't it? No, I am 51 years old and have been diagnosed as suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was in the military, however, I was not in combat. So, how does one get such a diagnosis if that person has never been in a war. That is the very same question I asked my psychiatrist. It is rather simple. If a person has experienced a very traumatic event in his/her life and suffers the symptomatology the diagnosis of PTSD is made. PTSD is not handed down to someone who had experienced a bad day and as a result lost a few hours of sleep. PTSD is a very serious and scary disease. As you read in my two previous posts you would know what I mean. When I put the Col. out of his misery, a statement my therapist rather I use when I actually killed him, with his consent,(like that made it okay)I never imagined how that traumatic event affected me for the rest of my life. As I stated before, he took advantage of my youth, our friendship and convinced me it was much better than the continued extreme pain that he was about to endure. I did not want to do it, yet, he convinced me to carry it out. I made sure he had enough morphine in him as to not feel the pain of his heart stopping when I administered the potassium chloride. I walked out of his room in a daze made an immediate right turn down the stairwell and across the parking lot to my car. I do not remember driving home. The phone was ringing when I walked into the house. It was the hospital asking me to come back and gave me a lame excuse why I should return. I knew why I was going back. I hoped I didn't give myself away by my actions. The whole second floor knew how much the Col. meant to me. If a nurse had a problem starting an IV on another unit they would usually call me because I was so good at it. At most of the time that is where I would be found. Hanging out with the Col. He was a retired full bird fighter pilot in WWII and Korea and had some fantastic stories. I spent a lot of time with him. So, everyone was worried about how I would take the news that the Col. had died. I could feel their stares as I stepped off the elevator. I turned the corner and there were several nurses and Bunny, the Col.'s wife, standing there with eyes filled with tears. I broke down, not for his passing,however,because I caused so much pain in many people's lives. Especially Bunny. She stood by him through two wars, many,many deployments and the hardest thing he ever tried, living with a cancer that had metastasized. After we hugged and cried together she told me that the Col. wanted me to have his golf clubs. We both loved the game and he couldn't wait until Monday's to hear how I played that weekend. Sometimes I wonder if Bunny knew what I had done and agreed to it. I can't prove it. It is probably a way for me to ease the pain. The pain only got worse for me. Not the physical that the Col. was feeling but the emotional of what I had done. I got out of medicine and found the only thing that ease my pain. Drugs. After almost 15 years in prison I sought help through the Tuscaloosa VA. Those Vietnam Vets told me that my pain was no different from theirs. I stayed inpatient for a little over two months and started therapy with a great man at the Gadsden, AL. clinic. He did a lot for me. I guess I need to get back to doing what I did to drive the Col. from my dreams. I will still read articles and post ones I feel are important. I do not sign my name to someone else's post but this one has come from the heart. I am sorry, Bunny. I know ya'll are together and I pray that you will forgive me. Thanks for the memories. I love you, both. theblogmeister

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