Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Where Do We Go From Here

  I am seriously considering hypnotherapy, again. It seemed to work for me the first time. How well will it do this time? I am at the point of near desperation. Sleep has been almost non-existent for me, lately. My anxiety level goes way up when the sun goes down. I'm afraid to go to sleep because of the fear that my sub-conscious puts me through. There was a time that I used the narcotics to deal with my Demon, as I choose the Colonel by that name. It is almost evil. What is puzzling is that all thoughts originate in my mind. Does that mean that I am evil? Could it be that I am possessed? I really do not know exactly what that means. My mind seems to have control over my thoughts while I sleep. Seems, hell! It does have control. So, I ask myself, who controls my thoughts? If I had total control over my thoughts, whether awake or asleep, I would not be having these occurring dreams of a person that I killed over thirty years ago. Am I, without knowledge, creating this turmoil? Is it a way to punish myself for what I did to a human being, going against the Hippocratic oath, by "doing no harm?" That is exactly the root of the problem. I have known this. It is nothing new. Yet, as soon as sleep finally overtakes me I will meet up with Him, again. Am I going to have to kill Him, again? I damn sure can't bring him back to life. The truth is that he never died. His physical body died when I dosed him with morphine and potassium chloride. His, I don't know what to call it, ghostly? part of him lives on. It is, and has been, his mission to never let me forget and to make me pay for what I did to Him. When will we be even? I want my debt paid. Because of Him, and my spinal stenosis, mostly Him, I cannot provide properly for my wife. She is the one that chases Him away at night. She is the one that holds me and makes my fear go away. What can I do for her? I really don;t know how she does it. I am grateful to have her. Later   theblogmeister

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