Thursday, December 9, 2010


 If there is such a thing as semicoma I experienced it last night. This was great for me. I, with great trepidation, fell into a deep sleep last night with no repercussions. He did not visit and did not make Himself known. I do not know why or how this occurred. I tried to remember what I had done that was different from what I do on other nights. I felt the anxiety before it was time to go to bed just as I do every night. I took the exact same amount of medicines. I can't find what was different. That frustrates me. I am trying too hard and putting pressure on myself to find the answer. I spent most of my day going over the night before with no success. Nights, on rare occasions, are peaceful. They are few and far between. Maybe I try to hard to have a Demonless night only to conjure up the fear that is always in the back of my mind. I am about to embark on my sub-conscious life. I know that the mind is very different from the brain. It is the mind that houses my Demon and the mind that unlocks the door to consciousness. My brain is not the cause of my problems. I do not think it is, anyway. It is possible that there could be something physically wrong with my brain. I still have that gnawing suspicion that the defects of my mind has resulted in physical problems with my body. I do not get enough sleep, for one thing. The almost nightly struggles with my Demon has affected how I view others. Maybe it is paranoia. Hell, I may be schizophrenic. If you met me on the street you would not know of my struggles with something I can't touch. I am affected even when the Col. does not visit me at night. I am talking about it now, that is a good indicator of how consumed I am with this three decade old battle. I need to find a way to end this. I am not as strong as I used to be. The medications do not work. Image therapy does not work. Emotive therapy does not work. Keeping a journal does not work. I get one night of peace and am pissed that He will not give me more. He has made His point. What is the use in continuing this mental torture? I will try, tonight, to repeat what I did last night and see if I get peace tonight. I will let you know tomorrow.   theblogmeister

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