Thursday, October 21, 2010

How Do You Spell Relief?

  You can imagine the feeling I had when I woke up this morning around 3am. Looking around and not being able to see anything but hearing the comforting sounds of my wife's breathing. I snuggled up to her and was thankful that God had chosen to put us together. It was, once again, a feeling I have come to know, quite well. She is always the one that brings me back to reality after every nightmare, whether she knows it or not. Most of the times she is awake and pulls me from the abyss of my sub-conscious.
  I sat in my apartment thinking about the colonel's last few minutes. What was he thinking just before I injected the morphine. Did he think about the afterlife? Did he think about Bunny? My guess is that his last thought was of his one true love, Bunny. I am pretty sure he did not think about what would happen to me. As I look back some 32 years later, I am convinced he was not thinking of me at the time I pushed the plunger, nor, prior to the end while he was convincing me to go through with it. He did not consider what killing him might do to me. He was selfish and a coward. I have grown to hate everything about him for taking away what I wanted most in this world, to become a doctor. His request was purely selfish. He knew that if he committed suicide that Bunny would lose all the perks of being a retired full bird colonel's widow. His retirement. His social security. Above all, his dignity. So, He got me to do the dirty work. And what did I get? You will know exactly what I got in the coming months. It will take me that long to tell my story of what happened after Col. Renold L. DeBarge.
  As I was reflecting the phone rang, it was Bunny. She told me of the colonel's arrangements and his memorial. She also told me that he left me something that he wanted me to have. They had no children, so, he decided to put me in his will. It was a Saturday morning, he was to be cremated on Sunday, and the will would be read at their attorney's office on Monday. Bunny gave me her address, the attorney's address, and said that she loved me and would see me at the memorial on the next day. All of this is my fault. If I would have been true to my beliefs none of this would happen. I do not deserve anything but disgust. A lot of that was on the way like a tsunami.   theblogmeister

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