Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Reliving The Past

  I thought long and hard about going back to the beginning to tell my story. I thought it may be important to other non-combat veterans who have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder to let them know they are not alone. The decision to go back that far was not made in haste. I am already beginning to suffer from those decisions. I am reliving those days, some of the most painful of my life by writing them down. To make a record of what went into the decision making is the same, to me, as reliving those moments. It has brought to the forefront of my cognitive reasoning  those acts and reasons of why I did those things. It has also brought along the pain, the fear, the self-doubt, the psychological turmoil just as real today as it was in 1978. I can still smell the odor of death when I last saw the colonel, the smell of Bunny's perfume as we hugged and cried, together. I can still fear the emptiness I felt on that day. It was November 13, 1978. I can still feel the shame I felt when Bunny told me that the colonel loved me like a son, remembering I was the cause of his death. I can still feel the confusion when Bunny told me how proud she and the colonel was for the courage and respect I had shown to them on that last day. My mind is being flooded with memories that started my spiral downfall in emotional abyss. The pain seems as real now as it did  then. I ask myself should I carry on with this journal of the life of a young, impressionist, that went out of control and almost lost his mind. I am going to carry on with this journal because I believe that if I stop, the nightmares will just keep getting worse until it will overtake my conscious mind to the point that I will end it all. Please, pray for me as I relive this journey with you. Thank you and God Bless   theblogmeister

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